My Dear Father

You don't know what the future holds.

I wish I could go back in time to the year 2003 so I could be able to see my father one more time. I wish I could see him, hear him, hug him, and talk to him. I'd like to tell him I'm sorry for not seeing him or being there for him. Its been a long time without you Daddums.

I quit talking to my father back in the year 2000 for reasons I didn't understand at the time, but I understand them today and I wish I would have just overlooked the way he was because he couldn't help it. He had a mental illness which is a disease. I was afraid to let him continue visiting me and my children because he had a lot of issues and I chose to cut ties with him.

I would ignore his phone calls and he eventually quit calling me. I wasn't happy about it but I knew it was for the best, but looking back on it it definitely wasn't for the best because now I can never talk to him ever again or see him and that hurts. I still cry. I haven't learned how to deal with it yet. I never will.

The hospital called one day in 2003 and told me my dad was dying and there was nothing more they could do and I was listed as his next of kin. I had to make the decision to turn the breathing machine off on my dad and I couldn't do it. A man I hadn't seen in a few years. It was horrible. I am still living with that choice today.

I remember the very long drive to Kentucky. It felt like it was forever. I remember him laying there with the breathing machine breathing for him because his lungs were no longer functioning on their own. He was all swelled up, He didn't even look like my dad. With tears in my eyes I begged the doctors to save him, but they couldn't. It was devastating. My poor father, he was suffering and it was not good. I wanted him to hear me say I love you dad. I pray that he did hear me. I hugged him and kissed him and then I left. I ran and left. I had to get out of there. It was horrible and the thought that they wanted me to sign papers to remove the breathing tube still haunts me to this day. I didn't do it I couldn't, but I should have. They talked me into other means which was probably just as worse as pulling the plug on someone you love.

I'm still dealing with his death to this day. I fight it all the time. It hurts. So, if you are lucky enough to still have your father alive, love him and cherish him, you never know when his time is up here on earth. Make every day count and overlook things that aren't worth fighting about. Just love him! Call him right now and tell him what an amazing father he is!!


I'm sorry Daddums. I love you.


I know in my heart that my father is with GOD 

in heaven and I will see him again one day!!


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